


So Alive

by sharkily



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Not Canon Compliant, Pacifist Best Ending (Detroit: Become Human), Somewhat, Suicide Attempt, everyone poor one out for connor, gen for now - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-22 03:21:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15572631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharkily/pseuds/sharkily
Summary: He knew he needed to do something. He couldn't be pulled back into the garden, Cyberlife would know to be faster the second time. Markus was invaluable to the revolution, and Connor was now a threat.Letting himself kill Markus hurt to think about. He could only think of one permanent solution, it was the fastest, and caused no one any harm - well, almost no one. A sinking sort of sadness clawed into his chest, and heavy resignation along with it.





	So Alive

**Author's Note:**

> I've been wanting to write something like this for a while, but I haven't written anything other than an essay for a long time. I know I'm rusty but it felt nice to write :) I have loose plans for more of this if it's so desired, let me know! Also, for now this is a gen fic, but that could change!

Peering out into the sea of androids was incredible. It was overwhelming. Turning the tides in their favor had been on him and he had succeeded exponentially. The sheer number was astounding, and seeing them from on top of the podium was even more surreal. He could tell Markus and the other members of Jericho were surprised he made it back, and then pleased that even more of their people were free. Connor kept his gaze in front of him, occasionally sweeping the crowd for suspicious activity. He just had a feeling they weren't quite in the clear yet.  Just as he had finished another sweep, Markus began his speech.

“Today our people finally emerge from a long night.”

He moved gracefully as he spoke, captivating each member of the audience. Connor was moved by his words, just as he was when he deviated. Realistically he knew that he had began to deviate before he infiltrated Jericho, but Markus was really the enabler in the finality of it. Connor admired Markus, and he wanted to thank him properly for what he’s done for him as soon as he could.

“...and tell humans who we really are,” 

He felt discomfort creep into his systems, and struggled to focus as his mind felt foggy. When he blinked he knew why. He had never been forcibly pulled into the garden like that, although the barren white storm in front of him could hardly be called a garden. He felt dread seep into his core as he struggled to see. Pulling his arms around himself, he could see her in her flowing white dress through the snow billowing in his mindscape. How thematic. Hesitantly he called out.

“Amanda?” He moved forward, “Amanda,” he felt the harsh cold slicing through him like a knife, “What’s-what’s happening?” She wore a knowing yet sinister smile that chilled Connor deeply.

“What was planned from the very beginning.” She paused. “You were compromised and you became a deviant. We just had to wait for the right moment to resume control of your program.”

“Resume control?” He was scared. The full implications of that statement were not good in the slightest. If they resumed control, they would make him kill Markus, and maybe even more.

“You can't do that!” He knew arguing was fruitless. But he couldn't help it. He was just freed, barely awakened and now they were going to take that away from him? He realized he was feeling was injustice, and it must be how every single deviant android felt until that night. 

“I'm afraid I can, Connor.” Her tone had become more harsh and condescending as she continued. “Don't have any regrets, you did what you were designed to do. You accomplished your mission.” She was gone, and Connor was afraid. That last sentence stung as he recalled all the times he repeated something along the lines of it. He couldn't give up now, there had to be a way. He could feel his body slowly moving of its own accord, he needed to think of something quickly.

 

_ Oh, and Connor, I always leave an emergency exit in my programs. You never know.. _

 

Kamski’s words seemingly echoed throughout his mind in a moment of clarity. He was moving fast now and with purpose as the snow billowed and the wind whipped around him. It became harder to move but he wouldn't let himself stop, not when he could feel his hand grasping firmly on his gun. It was a weird, almost out of body experience-as a human may have described it, but there was one key difference. He could not see outside his body, only feel what it was doing in an alien way, as if he himself was intruding. In the stark whiteness of the once colorful zen garden, he knew what he was looking for. the only thing it could be was the glowing blue touch pad. As he trudged further he saw a blue light and felt a glimmer of hope. The rest of the way there was a blur of cold and desperation. His joints were freezing up, and he could feel the thirium within him slowing the longer he was a trapped. Just as he felt his body raising the gun, he collapsed into the snow and threw his hand on to the tablet.

The sudden flash of bright lights in his vision told him he was thrown back into Marcus's speech, with what seemed to be the whole world watching. He quickly lowered his gun, thankful that everyone's attention seemed to be on Markus. The relief was so strong he could collapse, but retaining his composure was within his best interest. He glanced to his right at Markus’ closest friends, and he supposed could say co-leaders from what he had overheard on Jericho. The three of them were looking out into the flood of androids just as he had been earlier. The one who caught his attention however, was North. They were free yes, but she still had this steely determination about her, and appeared to be ever vigilant, surveying the crowd as Connor was previously. Connor found himself admiring her. He hoped they could talk when things began to calm down.

When he felt the beginnings of the same strange discomfort from before his mind snapped into quick decision making mode. He knew he needed to do something. He couldn't be pulled back into the garden, Cyberlife would know to be faster the second time. Markus was invaluable to the revolution, and Connor was now a threat.

Letting himself kill Markus hurt to think about. He could only think of one permanent solution, it was the fastest, and caused no one any harm - well, almost no one. A sinking sort of sadness clawed its way into his chest, and heavy resignation along with it. 

His fingers brushed the grip of the gun, then paused. He couldn't do this here, Markus was still speaking, inspiring and uplifting his people. His eyes danced around until he saw an alley he could escape away to. Getting off the podium during the speech would probably draw a little attention to himself but not enough to really matter. 

When Markus had everyone's rapt attention in a long winded monologue about his father Connor took his leave. His mind was swimming as he made a beeline for the alley. Would people hear the gunshot? How far away should he go? He allowed his thoughts to drift, after all these were his final moments, right? He thought about Hank. He would miss Hank and his gruff demeanor. He thought about Sumo, and how he would have liked to see him again. Would Hank be disappointed? Would he understand? Connor almost wished he could leave some sort of note so he could tell him everything, from the first feelings he felt in his very short life, to things he suddenly wished he could have seen and done had he been able to. Hank was a friend, a friend he wishes he could have properly said goodbye to. He thought about Markus, and his soft voice and meaningful words that changed him. Connor was endlessly thankful, even if his freedom was short lived. He thought about North, and the other members of Jericho. He knew he must not mean much to them considering what he had been, but he hoped they had good lives ahead of them.

When he decided he was far enough away, he leaned against a freezing damp brick wall. The alley was a few blocks away from the demonstration, and had a dim lamp attached to the building he leaned on. As he finished taking in his surroundings, he let himself just stand there and feel. Feel as much emotion his mind and body were throwing at him, because this would be the last time he felt it. His shoulders shook as he started crying under the weight of it all. He didn't want to die. He had to die. Markus needed to live, and this was the only way. 

He pulled out the gun, and it felt heavier than it ever had. Closing his eyes, he cocked it and placed the gun firmly under his jaw. More tears fell, he didn’t want to die alone. The thought made his gut twist painfully. He tried to brush it aside. He was doing this for a reason. Markus. That calmed him slightly. He thought of his people prospering, and coexisting with humans, he thought of Hank and Sumo living happy lives. That's what he was going to think about. His hand tightened on the handle, and with a new found resolve, began to apply pressure to the trigger.

**Author's Note:**

> People are really missing out on the Connor and North friendship potential. In endings where Markus dies/is kicked from Jericho and Connor is a deviant, North and Connor get along great. In almost every fic I've read there's so much anger and animosity North harbors for Connor, which is not bad but I just want to dig into that little vein. Give Connor more friends!!!


End file.
